1986 Fake CDC letter

This 1986 Fake CDC letter was discovered on a bulletin board at the CDC Viral Exanthems Branch during a visit by Hillary Johnson, while researching her book, Osler's Web. Johnson wrote on her now discontinued blog: "The letter below was displayed on a bulletin board during the late 1980s in the corridor of the division at the Centers for Disease Control that has been responsible for investigating "chronic fatigue syndrome" for the last twenty-five years. It was written by an anonymous CDC scientist. Larry Schonberger, the government epidemiologist who supervised the agency's Lake Tahoe investigation from his office in Atlanta, took it down--reluctantly--after one of his colleagues observed me copying its contents into my notebook. 'This will come back to haunt us,' the staffer told Schonberger. The actual letter came to me via the Freedom of Information Act."

Letter
October 5, 1986

Center of Diseased Comptrollers

Bldg 6, Rm 127

Atlanta, GA 30333

Dear Sirs:

I am SICK. I saw your ad in the L.A. Times, and need your help. I am so tired it took me 6 days to dictate this letter to my secretary. Please send all available information, and I mean ALL, about CEBV, CMV, HSV, VZV, HPV, HTLV II1/LAV/HIV, RSV, HAV, HBV, SV40, G-BS, RSV, RSVP, DRG's, 0MB, FDA, NIH, INH, NIMH, SPBSQSA, ABC's, D&C's, T&A's, S&M, ASPCA, UCLA, HMD's, AIDS, Ayds, USAID's, IUD's, BCP's, HBP, CHF, ESRD, USAA, and Japanese Bee Encephalitis, PDQ. Also please send a complete list of all physicians in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, the Caribbean, South America, Europe, Africa, Asia (including the Indian and Southeast Asian subcontinents), Greenland, Antarctica, and the Marianas Islands who work with the above agents, along with their addresses, telephone #'s, height, weight, hair and eye color, social security I, number of living relatives, favorite colors, and how much they charge (the more expensive, the better).

I would also like a list of recommended treatments for the above conditions, in descending order of trendiness, including acyclovir, gamma globulin, WXYZ-2,3DPG, Vitamins A, B-l thru 12, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, 0, P, and Q, Zinc, Cadmium, Cobalt, Neodymium, Ytterbium, lecithin, morithin, lessismorithin, sensory deprivations walking on hot coals, alternating sensory deprivation and walking on hot coals, purified fruit-bat guano injections, and bedrest. I have already tried Valium, Lithium, Haldol, and thorazine, but they only work when I take them.

Please, also inform me about how to get social security and workmen's compensation benefits for the above diseases. I have had them for over 40 years now, and I am only 29 years old.

Thanks for all your help.

I.M. Zappode

2431 Western Blot Wornout, CA, 98765